Anderson Valley Nudist Retreat
by practicalamanda
Summary: A series of one shots. warnings for...well nudity.
1. Chapter 1

Blaine had always had a fascination with clothes. Even from a very young age he was intrigued to no end by the fashion models in the glossy magazines his Mom kept by the pool. He would stare at the flashy displays in shop windows any time his parents took him into town. And, whenever he was given the chance he would spend hours putting together outfits of his own.

For most people, their sense of style was a way of expressing themselves. This was true for Blaine, but even more than that, his love of clothes was practically a _rebellion_. One might call it a taste of forbidden fruit.

Well, the word forbidden might be a little strong, but showing off his growing collection of polos and bow ties was generally frowned upon at _Anderson Valley Nudist Retreat_, where Blaine spent most of his formative years. It's why he never minded the Dalton uniform. Sure, it was stuffy and repetitive, but at least it was _clothin_g.

"My goodness, I'm hot just looking at you!" Blaine was greeted by Matilda, one of the community's longest standing residents when he made his way into the library/game room where he was supposed to be meeting up with his parents.

Blaine did his best not to roll his eyes, "I've only just got in from school, ma'am. I'm afraid I have to wear the uniform there," he said, hoping that his tone came off as cheeky and charming as opposed to irritated. He loved his family, and he would always love and appreciate the residents that had become his support system through his unsuccessful tenure in the public school system (before his transfer to Dalton), but just because his parents were nudists didn't mean he had to be a nudist.

It wasn't even a matter of comfort for him. There was literally no way he could grow up in this type of environment and not be comfortable with his body, but the longer he spent in the 'real world', boarding at Dalton, the more he found himself to be his most comfortable while wearing clothes.

"Blainey!" he heard his mother's delighted voice from the other side of the room, freeing him from the conversation with Matilda "It's so good to see you!" she exclaimed, stepping down from where she was shelving some books in the gardening section and giving him a hug. "Come sit!"

Blaine was grateful that his mother no longer commented when he neglected to take off his uniform when visiting. He knew that she quietly disapproved of the whole thing, but she loved him and knew that, at the end of the day, he should be allowed to do what he wants. "It's good to see you too, Mom," he said, "where's dad?"

"He had to go take care of a plumbing emergency in the Green's homestead, but he'll be back in time for dinner. I'm making your favorite," she said. "But you said over the phone you had something to tell us. Should we wait for him or can you tell me now?" she asked, body leaning forward in anticipation.

"Oh…um…I suppose there's no point in waiting," he said, "I guess I'll just come right out with it. I uh…I have a boyfriend, and I've been seeing him for a few months now. His name is Kurt," he said, smiling softly at the thought of the boy who had slowly but surely stolen his heart.

"Oh, honey that's wonderful!" Mrs. Anderson said smiling, "when do we get to meet him?"

Blaine blanched suddenly. It wasn't that the idea of Kurt meeting his parents had never crossed his mind. Heck, he'd been present for his fair share of Hummel Friday night dinners, but the idea of bringing Kurt—his Kurt—shy, blushing Kurt to _Anderson Valley_ for a visit was a daunting one to say the least, "um…I'm not sure we're quite there yet," the lie weighed heavily on his conscience, "but um…I'll let you know, okay? Why don't you tell me about some of those new books you were shelving?"

**This might be the dumbest thing I've ever written or the beginnings of the world's most wonderful crack verse. You be the judge…**


	2. The One With the Touchy Subject

**Apparently this is a verse now? **

Blaine is dreading the day when it comes time for him to apply to performing arts schools. It's not the auditioning or the portfolios he'll inevitably have to put together that has him nervous, but rather the one question that he's bound to be asked on all the applications. A question that frankly, he's already asked by friends and relatives, the school guidance counselor, and apparently his own boyfriend.

"When did you know you wanted to be a performer?" Kurt asked one evening. They were lying together in the grass in Kurt's backyard, waxing poetic about the future they would build together in New York. They were on the college portion of the timeline, and Blaine had just revealed that it had always been his dream to go to theater school—even from a young age.

Blaine knew that he could trust Kurt. He knew in his heart of hearts that he would never judge him for the way he was raised, but it had been months at this point, and the longer he waiting to tell him, the harder it got. Kurt had finally met Blaine's parents when they came to visit him at Dalton. The four of them even went out to dinner together. And, while Kurt was surprised at the free spirited-ness of Blaine's parents, they had dutifully left out the minor detail of their nudist lifestyle.

Now that Kurt had met them (and he had even been trading recipes over email with Mrs. Anderson), the fact that he had never made it to their home in Westerville was just a side note—something Kurt didn't think much about. If they were in Westerville, then they would always choose the privacy of Dalton. Not to mention the fact that he and Kurt were only just navigating the dynamics of 'south of the equator'. There was no need to complicate that unnecessarily.

All of that being the case, Blaine had no idea how to explain to his boyfriend of four months that he had fallen in love with the stage when he was six years old, and his parents took him to the community's production of ___Hair_ (and yes, the underlying comedy of a nudist colony's production of ___Hair_ was completely lost on a six year old Blaine).

While it certainly led to his love of music and acting, what really sparked little Blaine attention was the___costumes__—_all kinds of costumes; suits, flow-y dresses, suede jackets. Of course, there was ___some_nudity in the show, but for the most part the people up on stage got to wear all of those beautiful, colorful clothes, and Blaine wanted to do that too.

Blaine announced the next day that he wanted to be a hippie when he grew up, and his parents explained that what he probably meant was that he wanted to be an actor. He was in music lessons the next month, and while his parents probably could have just bought him a pair of bellbottoms and called it a day, his love for the stage blossomed from there.

The questions was, how to explain it to his boyfriend, "Oh…um…it was when I was little. My parents took me to a musical and it was love as first sight I suppose," Blaine said, hoping Kurt wouldn't push any further.

"What show?" Kurt said, asking the obvious question.

Blaine sighed, "um…___Hai__r_?" he replied, shrugging, even though Kurt couldn't see that from where he was lying adjacent to Blaine. At least Blaine was blissfully unable to see Kurt's face. He did however hear him burst into a cackling laughter. "What? It's a good show," Blaine said defensively.

"Honey, of course it is," Kurt said, turning onto his side so they could be face to face, "but it's not exactly the kind of show I would take a young child. How old were you?"

"I don't know, like six?" Blaine said again, still phrasing everything as a question. "And it's not that bad. I mean, I didn't get the drug references, and all of the references to sexual acts went right over my head."

"Fair enough," Kurt replied, "but that show has a lengthy and famous nude scene. Surely you must have noticed that.

And in that moment, Blaine felt something he had never experienced before: defensiveness, defensiveness about his parent's lifestyle and the lifestyle he had been raised with. Sure, Blaine was opting out in his semi-adult life, but that didn't mean he felt no protectiveness and love for the people who had made him the man he is today.

It had probably always been there in the back of his mind, but nudity was a subject that he had been resolutely avoiding ever since he got out in the real world, for fear that he might have to reveal something he wasn't ready to reveal, especially with Kurt. But now that it was being brought up directly, Blaine felt indignation bubble up in his chest, "yeah, and what's wrong with that?" he said before he could stop himself, folding his arms and furrowing his brow.

"Wait, what?" Kurt said, sitting up and pulling Blaine up beside him, "I mean…nothing? I guess…but like, for a child? I just don't think it's appropriate," he added, looking at Blaine like he had grown an extra head.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, Blaine thought, "I'm assuming you were breast fed, right?" Blaine said, suddenly hearing himself parrot the arguments he had heard his parents make over and over again. "What happened between the ages of zero and eighteen months that suddenly made it not okay for you to see your parents so called 'private parts?'"

"Okay, whoa, slow down Tiger," Kurt said, holding his hands up in front of him, "what's gotten into you. I've obviously hit a nerve, but I actually have no idea what you're talking about. Are we still talking about ___Hair_?"

Blaine kept his arms folded and let out an indignant huff, "look it doesn't matter. Can we just change the subject?" Blaine asked. And Kurt knew him well enough at this point to know that if Blaine wasn't ready to talk about something, then no amount of prodding would change that. Kurt would just have to be patient.

"Um…okay…I just," Kurt bit his lip, unsure how to react to Blaine's outburst and sudden reticence on the subject, "just, you know you can tell me things, right?"

Blaine sighed, and finally unfurled his arms to a less aggressive stance. "I…of course I do. Can we just…" Blaine pointed back towards to grass indicating they should lie down again.

Kurt obliged, but couldn't help but add one more thing, "you know, you'd make a fantastic Claude."


	3. The One with the Eyebrows

**This is very much a crack verse, so we're going to pretend that it's not 2 degrees in Ohio in November. I'm actually toying with the idea of re-conning the entire thing to take place in Miami haha.**

"I'm sorry, but this is not just the worst idea that you've ever had, but it's probably the worst idea that _anyone_ has ever had," Blaine said, staring warily into the container of oil. "I don't care how many episodes of _Good Eats_ you've watched."

"Come on, Blainey," Cooper said, wiping his garlic rub covered hands on his apron (the only protective layer between him and the oil he was planning to fry the turkey in. "Don't be such a grandma. We make the turkey your way _every year_. Give someone else a chance."

Blaine rolled his eyes, "this isn't about control, Coop. It's about my desire to avoid being a burn victim," he said. "Haven't you read the horror stories. Being picked up by an EMT in nothing but an apron is _so _not worth the time you save by deep frying a turkey."

It was Cooper's turn to roll his eyes, "first of all, the EMTs would probably have to cut you out of your clothes anyway. Second of all, we're outside, we have a fire extinguisher nearby, and I'm doing all the work, so stop whining."

Blaine folded his arms petulantly, and adamantly refused to allow the deep frown to leave his face. Almost since he could hold a mixing spoon, Blaine had been heavily involved in the preparations for the Thanksgiving meal in the community. Since he could remember he and his mother had gotten up at three in the morning to begin the brining and defrosting process, but this year, Cooper had taken over.

He had pitched the idea of deep frying the bird starting all the way back in July, and after extensive research and almost five months of nudging, Mrs. Anderson decided to lethim. 'You still get to do all the sides how you like, sweetie', she had said to appease Blaine, but it had done almost nothing to calm his worries over the safety of frying something so large.

"Let's just leave him to it," Sam said tugging on Blaine's apron strings and forcibly pulling him away from the fryer. Sam was one of the only other kids Blaine's age that lived full time in the community, and he had been Blaine's best friend practically since they were both born. "If he's going to be an idiot, let him be an idiot alone," he added.

"I guess," Blaine conceded with a heavy sigh, "but he better not come crying to me when he singes off all of his hair."

0000000000

There are few things that Blaine loves more than proving his older brother wrong. Now, he would never actually wish ill health on Cooper, but once in a while, it was nice to see him taken down a few pegs.

Blaine was bent over putting the green bean casserole in the oven when he heard Sam's voice from behind him, "Well, at least it's not _all _of your hair."

Blaine spun around in time to see Cooper place the fully cooked bird on the kitchen table. Even he had to admit, it looked crispy and cooked to perfection. Upon further inspection of his brother however, Blaine felt laughter bubbling up his throat, "oh my god, Cooper," Blaine choked up between heaving guffaws, "what the hell happened to your eye brows?"

That year, Blaine thought the turkey was delicious—crispy and juicy from deep frying, and with the extra sweetness of being right.


End file.
